As each day goes by, it becomes more and more difficult to ignore all
of the professional trolls and sh*t-stirrers out there in the
mainstream media. Between Skip Bayless and Jay Mariotti, I’m surprised
that I haven’t been locked away in a dark room, miles below the surface
while I scratch “LeBron James is not clutch” onto every square inch of
the walls, using only my fingernails as writing utensils.
Fortunately,
I’ve been able to train myself in an almost ninja-like way to ignore all
of the political writers out there from both parties and beyond,
because life is just too short to worry about what fart-sniffing
partisan cheerleaders have to say about what’s going to end this world.
But then Ann Coulter had to go and mess with the growing respect and
appreciation for soccer that casual American sports fans have been
experiencing in this 2014 FIFA World Cup, and the lady broke me on the
morning of the U.S. Men’s National Team’s most important match of
all-time.
Last night, she published a new column,
“America’s Favorite National Pastime: Hating Soccer,”
on her website, and it is a milestone in trolling the likes of which
Mariotti only wishes he could pull off.
There is basically no way that
this hilariously and pitifully ignorant screed wasn’t written as parody,
because it had me cracking up from her very first point about how there
is no individual glory in soccer.
Like a really bad stand-up comic at a casino in a rural town with a
name you can’t pronounce or a complaint to the FCC about the way people
answer questions on
Family Feud, I ask that you just try to
appreciate this for the sake of comedy, because there’s no way the
people who actually believe Coulter’s latest rant can ever be brought
back from the deepest end. Check it out, journalism students with minors
in political science, because this is a course in taking it to the next
level.
Read more: Ann Coulter’s Latest Column Is A Parody Of People Who Hate Soccer
